The greatest sin is also the greatest victory

There is so much to learn each time I fall back into my greatest sin: how cunning the devil can be in trapping me in the sin, how stronger I am with God's mercy, what triggers cause me to go past the boundaries and how God turns this failure into a more motivated desire to come back to Him. 'Where I am at my weakest His power is at His strongest.'

This latest fall showed me how the evil one uses my liking for celebrities to open the door to my sin and how He tries to go further in causing me to doubt the power of God Himself. Unfortunately, that moment of doubt was but a flash. I still believe in the power of the Eucharist. Woops, too bad! Haha! At the same time, I had an inner strength after having committed the sin, a strength that came with acceptance of the truth of my weakness, which can only be from the Holy Spirit. I accept that this sin will be a struggle in my life, but I promise God that I will climb back up each time I fall. The devil may try to deviate me from staying on the path to God, but these deviations will be temporary. He cannot permanently cause me to leave the path to my true home, for I will forever be a child of God Yahweh, Daddy-o. I want to go to Heaven to be with Him, my Creator, my Source of being.

There were warning signs as I became more trapped in my sin, but my Father loves me so much that He allowed me to make my own choice. His soft promptings were not imposing and autocratic on my decision-making. The doubt put in me by the devil and the titles I came across were the signs. Not only did I allow myself to badly undermine the special dignity of my own gender and the holiness of the image of God(whether I want to admit it or not), but I also allowed myself to be distorted in my understanding of the traditional interaction between societal roles we humans are called to.

Now that I have accepted my struggle and developed inner strength to keep conquering it, my next step is to be humble and courageous enough to confess it. Holy Spirit, please help me.

Actually, in the course of my reflection and repentance, I wondered if there was something wrong with me that caused me to keep falling back into this sin. At the same time, I explored the possibility of being spiritually attacked by the devil. I had been doing God's work before my fall, and it is not the first time this realization has occurred to me. I have been answering my friend's questions on the Eucharist, sharing the St Michael's prayer with my friends, and posting articles on the dangers of pornography and LGBT. I had a thought of going into consecrated life as a result of the ongoing LGBT issue too. This possibility was affirmed by my spiritual mentor too.

I do feel honoured frankly, that the devil feels threatened by me as God's instrument to keep tempting me into this sin. I will then 'not be moved, as He is my stronghold and my Saviour.' I know that I 'shall not drown if I pass through raging waters in the sea, and God is with me through it all if I stand before the power of hell and death is at my side.' I may have 'raging' passions but I know they will be calmed and tempered, for the pleasure of this sin cannot fully satiate my soul, which is made for my true Love and will return to this true Love. I am aware that the devil will try to lure me into eternal self-condemnation and despair when he confronts me with this sin at the end of my life, but I know that God will be by my side and I will confront him with the good I have done for my God. This will shut Him up. I don't want to be like Judas.

Rainbows are now metaphorically abused

Rainbows are really God's covenant with us, His promise to us. Instead, they are now taken on by promoters of an immoral lifestyle as their symbol. How God must feel!

Deviation = going astray and potentially, betrayal

Seeing happiness in the midst of living out wrong choices and the conscience being ignored against wrongdoing, makes me really sad. I find it difficult to rejoice for the person. I know we are to love the person and not the mistake, but how do I do so when the person knows that the membership joined is not a true one, and yet remains within it?

God is not all blessings and prosperity and a smooth life, which the group seems to have been advocating for donkey years. God is also suffering for love, obedience to His mother, protection through His angels and all things not recognized by the former (group).

How does an empty cross remind us of God's present love and of the power of suffering? A crucifix never brings this reminder far from us, of how God's death is the greatest form of love for us and how we crucify Him with our sins(Lord, help me!), of how we can unite our own sufferings with His for redemptive purposes. How then can we praise and worship Him with just an empty cross and without His actual presence within us?

Believing in the representation of God when beholding a communion wafer is really watering down the actual theology of Holy Communion as a sacrament. Receiving Communion is actually receiving our Lord. How blest and privileged we are to have Him enter us every week, instead of just something that symbolises Him, and only at times too! How inspired and grateful we must feel to know the humble love of God for us through this! Obviously, with the total omission of Maundy Thursday, the communion wafer is seen per se. How sad.

How then can we praise and worship Him with just an empty cross and without His actual presence within us? Doesn't this ever strike the soul?!

What is adored then? Benediction and silent adoration is sorely missing. Good Friday, with its weaker emphasis, will make Easter Sunday less appreciated, since suffering will make the resurrection more poignant.

Mother Mary never ever fails to intercede for us, even if we neglect her(yours truly is guilty of this). Disregarding her love and her Son's command before His death is indeed a grave omission. How about the angels and saints under her charge? These friends of ours are ever ready to help us, to pray for us. We are surrounded by so many Heavenly friends! Sadly, they are now deliberately pushed aside.

Chastity is therefore seen as less important with this membership. After all, the shepherds are allowed to have their own families too. Our Lord was singularly focused on one vocation. To juggle two at the same time would compromise on either one, unfair to the recipients involved. At death's hour, a prayer is not as strong as an anointing with holy oil. Self-explanatory to me.

Feeling "high" and "good" and "radiant" won't last. It is the music during the praise sessions that make you so. Services are made up of these, besides preaching and Bible reading. Where is the depth and richness?
There is flexibility in attending these services. Doesn't it mean our own desires are met rather than our Lord's? We go when we can or when we want. Where is the sacrifice then? The love is not so deep then.

I don't know if the new member actually bothers to reflect on the losses associated with this change made, or perhaps they have never been treasured in the first place. Hence, there is no emptiness within and the ease of shrugging it off, if any, is strong. Truth be told, a lot is being lost. A lot. To think that the original group is one with strong religious emphases and this member chose to leave the true flock, as a whole. Sad.

Revelation of the Lord's mysteries to children

The Gospel over the weekend was "I bless you Lord for revealing your mysteries to mere children." It really resounded with me on a personal basis.

1) It was my friend's son who noted the taxi driver not stopping as he kept driving his cab towards the vehicle. The small boy exclaimed his observation to his family members in the vehicle.

2) God used me to spread His beautiful love to her family, despite my physical disability and unworthiness.

Truly, He is beautiful beyond description!

Pentecost - affirmations first shared by my SD and the filling of the Holy Spirit

Celebrating Pentecost this year was special.

My SD said two things which were affirmed in my usual spiritual readings:

1. If God were not with me, I would die(paraphrased) - Padre Pio in his letters said, "If God were not your breastplate and shield, you would be imprudently pierced with every kind of sin."
As it is, I am already guilty of the sins of being judgemental and gossiping. I do not need the devil tempting me anymore than he already is.
If God were to decide not to protect me anymore(which He can), I cannot imagine how I would turn out to be, somewhat like the portrait of Dorian Gray that reflected his true inner state of sinfulness. I am sure that if there were such a portrait painted of the present me, it would already have semblances of the horror of sin!

2. Thank God for the bad things that happen. There is always a good purpose for their occurrence (paraphrased) - Today's entry in God Calling states: This life is not for the body, it is for the soul, and man too often chooses the way of life that best suits the body. Not the way that best suits the soul. And I permit only what best suits the soul.
(contd)Accept this and a wonderful molding is the result, reject it and My Purpose is frustrated, your best prayer unanswered, progress(Spiritual progress) delayed, trouble and grief stored up. Try, each of you, to picture your soul as a third being trained by us - by you and Me - and then you will share, and rejoice in sharing, in the discipline and training.
(contd)Stand apart from your soul with Me and welcome training - rejoice at progress.
This applies to my own arthritic condition and to my dearest friend's condition too.

Upon reflection, I think I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to invoke Him as we sang Come Holy Ghost. Without my SL's presence at Mass, I felt obliged to take over her praying role at Mass and I remembered her birthday message to me, thanking me for being the choir's silent prayer warrior. Of course, I feel she gives me too much credit for that. I think she is the warrior.

Anyway, I started off with desiring the Holy Spirit's presence as the first verse was sung by the guys. Truly, He came upon me. I felt His strong presence on me, as I felt myself getting overwhelmed by it and almost being 'slained'. Thank you Lord, for coming upon me and for wanting to fill me, despite my sinfulness. I am humbly brought to tears.

God's treasure

Truly, I am protected like a treasure by my God. Despite my sometimes knowing exposures to the harmful media around me, He has ultimate control over my life and blocks the insidious influences from me. Thank you Lord. Forgive me for testing you by doing this. I never meant to.

What Christmas should mean for me

http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/christmas-is-more-than-a-temporal-celebration-pope-reflects/

Lord Jesus, please come to me this Christmas as my Healer, my Lover, my Bridegroom, my Husband and my Life Partner.
However, may this encounter be just the start of your coming in this way, into my daily life.
Let me keep in mind that though I go to you, my heart must be open to your coming. It is your coming into my life that is the key, not just my going to you. It must be a two-way thing,

True repentance, as inspired by St Francis of Assisi

I committed a most grievous sin and somehow, the Spirit placed in me the desire to turn my sin into good. I prayed that this sin would cause me to be called to a higher purpose, for God's glory, somewhat like how St Francis of Assisi was called out of his secular lifestyle to God's service. This is true repentance prompted by the Spirit indeed!

A holy dream

I dreamt of singing hymns and worship songs last night. Perhaps it was God calling my soul to spend time with Him in worship and my own soul's reciprocation through song.

The Spirit speaks

- God is still worthy to be praised despite what I feel.
- God calls me not just to be in this choir but calls my very soul to come to Him; to be loved by Him.

a prayer based on psalm 119

Lord, I can never fully reconcile his sufferings to your purposes for him. Forgive me for those hurtful and undermining words. My faith is weak, increase my faith. I know you are making him like you but help me realise this. you are suffering eternally each time we sin against you. you chose to suffer for us, despite you being God. How good, great and loving you are! Forgive me for not having acknowledged the full meaning of what you suffered for ME!

Thank you Lord, for having called me despite my failure of you, for having made my rejections in life a calling. I remember how you called me to your presence, to affirm me of your everlasting love in my life.

Lord, how can I be pleasing to you? Despite this, I am because you think so. Lord, how can I then feel insecure in life when I am secure in your love?

God knows my soul

I could not Stand In Awe of God on Saturday. So drained and exhausted I was, internally. It took a mindset of the sacrifice of praise to be able to sing it.

However, He knew, as He does everyone's soul. Just before I left for church, I listened to You Alone and it allowed me to truly worship Him. He knew, and spoke through my conductor, who chose this exact hymn for mass. I could then sincerely and really pay tribute to my God who knows me through and through.

I Stand In Awe

You Alone

Mass - always good

There is no such thing as a bad Mass. The Mass in itself is always good. It is our truest disposition within that causes us to perceive it as bad.

When we fail to give our deepest and most sincere worship to God most present in the Blessed Sacrament, a soul to its Maker, and allow externalities to affect our offering of service, we are the ones who make Mass bad.

Break Through by Don Moen

A perplexing dream

It was a dream where I was specially called to a different retreat from my choirmates, through a seminarian friend. I initially felt fear upon knowing I had been called but it was soon gone. It was mostly being in front of the Blessed Sacrament at the Minor Seminary, though the adoration chapel differs in reality.

I kept having fainting fits without warning but I soon realized God communicated with me through them. I told my SD about my fits in the dream; a different one from the one in real life. She led me to a bookshelf and mentioned St Gertrude to me, that the saint had experienced them too.

I dreamt of my good friend who has lost a friend to his pride. Together, we spoke to my male bestie and we were outside Mount Alvernia Hospital, a different building from the one in real life. He mentioned going for a praying over session with some priests and was happy that Father Damien was on duty that day.

What perplexes me is the numerous and continual fainting fits, as well as the mention of St Gertrude to me by a nun. Hmm....

Conflict in values

It is indeed difficult to maintain purely Christ-like values in the workplace. Despite my condescension and judgement of those who overtly display contradictions between their faith and their practices, I am aware that I too, display subtle aspects.

Forgery and irresponsibility may be immoral but so too, are celestial usage and arrogance. Perhaps, my besties were right. A sin, whether big or small, is still one.

I may not have flouted the rules of no alcohol drinking but by not protesting against that done by others, I actually condone the act....

A prayer to the Holy Spirit

Holy Spirit, fill me with Your silence, even if it is forced.
Your healing silence, Your calming silence.
I offer up to You my conflicts, my confusion, my frustrations, my heartbreak.
I thank You for the good things; the comfortable and soothing moments, the bond shared, the love shown, the fortunate feeling and the enjoyable time, in gratitude.
Amen.

Contemplation on the un-rights in my life

Things go wrong in our lives because we don't get what we want; we are deprived of our self-centred desires. We are also unable to control them from becoming right.

I seek solace in those things I can make right through the choices I make; some of these things are self-inflicted. However, in the uncontrollable, is still control. I can choose to give them over to God to control. That is a form of control; to make the correct choice; the gift of Free Will. God then, loves us so much that He gave us this gift. This means that we can choose to go away from Him, if we want. It is not that I want to leave Him but that I want to show His love for us, such that He does not want to force Himself on us.

At the same time,  it may not be the un-rights in my life but the un-rights in my attitude. With a grateful heart, life can be right :)

Thank you Lord, for Your shield over me, and yet in my hurt and pain Lord, you are.

Is the destination showing itself?

I know for sure that the path is brighter based on the constant wisdom God has granted me. I had been resistant towards administrative jobs as a permanent career but He has so beautifully reconciled me to them. My initial goal was feature writing but He so gently prodded me towards these jobs. He has even granted me interview answers. I have never had such direct guidance in my previous job interviews. Thinking back to my whole career path, He has made me walk towards personally resistant jobs. My first one was in the teaching line. He has also made me stronger and more thick-skinned in preparation for my new job. I believe the turning point was my mum's demise.

Though my heart will always be with teaching and my fantasy job is a governess, I am grateful for the past 9 years of being able to touch hearts and lives. As I embark on my first interview, and more to come, I walk with my Lord and allow Him to lead me. I know He will ultimately lead me towards the perfect choice He has planned for me. Amen!

A greater dimension to my love for Daddy-o

I Belong To You(Hillsong United)

Discovery

I am a little sad at a piece of news I found out. It is good news but not really so for me. I am not sure if this is God's way of revealing His will for my life. I have not exhausted all the options yet but I am not sure if they will still stand.

Nonetheless,I know Daddy-o has heard my deepest desires and whatever He wills for me will be beautiful and perfect for me. Perhaps the little revelations He has given to me are His signs pertaining to it? If so, Lord, please grant me the grace and joy and courage to accept it. I know though that He will be with me as I go through this, as He promised to be with me in all my trials pertaining to my state of life.

Whatever may be, I wish the people involved in the news God's blessings. The good thing is that it is merely slight sorrow but not heartpain. Perhaps this option is really not the right one for me for certain factors. Now that I have found out this news, I know my boundaries and will refrain from any more activity. It is a good decision, I feel, so as to prevent any unnecessary negativity from the other.

God healed me within a short time and I think I know why. I included this option based on head knowledge, that it would be good for me and meet my needs. However, my heart was not in it. Hence, my heart was not hurt :)