A taste of singlehood

These past two weeks have seen me trying out the life of a single and it is only at this moment that I actually begin to feel a tinge of the loneliness that assails a single, though I must admit it is due to my picky preference and my sloth.

Nonetheless, I am not afraid for my God has promised me that He will be with me in the trials associated with my vocation.

Drop the ego!

God creates marvels in His own ways. Who am I to limit His ways and to define the way things should be done? He can heal a person in the way most suitable for him. A call may not be followed through but He can still turn things around and cause conversion in the mind. He does it through His silent promptings which happen so naturally and yet wonderfully, that I can only attribute the miracle to Him. O Lord, how great you are! I am humbled.

I tend to judge even the ignorant and that really means self-righteousness within me. I must change myself. This is only one of the changes I must make in myself before I even find a life partner. Perhaps this is my preparation period for it?

Spiritual preparation for my silent retreat

Not everyone can do a silent retreat. This inability reflects the problem of sitting still with the Lord and spending time to listen to Him. Lord, thank you for this grace that enables me to do so. As a result, I should not feel superior but humbler instead. I am filled with gratitude that God has made me able to find beauty in His silence.

What I hope to do this time round is to listen to His heart and not just His words, perhaps to just be with Him in whatever way He wants me to be. I was given a chance to be with my bestie in time of physical pain and in the same way, I can be with my suffering Lord :)

Secularistic dangers

We tend to place our happiness on people. When they do things for us that make us feel loved, our hearts sing for joy. However, humans are fickle by nature. Therefore, we should really place our happiness on a constant source, our Lord. He is forever constant and loving towards us. Lord, I aspire to this!

Singlehood may mean individual independence but there is a real danger of our hearts and mind being overtaken by secularism. It should really lead us closer to God. Oh Lord, I have fallen into this trap!! Pull me out of it, please!

Pentecost

I received a wakeup call when I could not give an immediate answer as to what I wanted to pray to the Holy Spirit for. I guess it was the way the question was thrown so unexpectedly at me too. As I attempted to search for one in my mind, I realised that it was lacking. What I came up with was somewhat based on external input.

My being is definitely overshadowed by a secular event that is coming up, and which I am hosting. My only hope for adequate preparation for my silent retreat then is God Himself, but I have to desire Him of course. I need to increase this level of desire though!

The thing is, I was called to the retreat merely to "rest my heart" and spend time with Him. It sounds simple but I know that it is a profound experience too. How then could I have immediately linked this to the question that was posed?

A "chill" came within me when I realised there was a possibility of my serving God devoid of sincerity. I told myself that I must never reach that stage. A pastor told me that the Holy Spirit is strong in me and I don't wish to lose Him. It would be such a tragedy.

Then my conductor was choosing the person to read out the General Intercessions and he based it on who needed the Spirit. I knew I needed Him and I guess God prompted him to choose me, because He knew I wanted Him.

Then I asked Him to pray and sing in me before mass. I couldn't sing with my usual spirit before I received Him.

This is how I eventually received Him: I opened myself to Jesus' words in the Gospel "Receive the Holy Spirit". When it was time to read the intercessions, I felt a sense of peace and calmness that subdued the nervousness within me. I knew then that He had given me Himself. :D What I sang after that moment was definitely in my usual self :)

The Spirit stayed with me and I was aware of it. He prompted me to practise physical self-control and offer it up for the conversion of sinners. He also prompted me to offer up my pain for the same intention.

My conductor told us to ask the Holy Spirit to do things with us every day. I did so and it does make a difference. I need Him to teach me which tasks are more important to do than others, when I have so many to do.

Praying in the Spirit

I never really knew what it means till today. We were reciting a decade of the rosary and slowed down in the midst of it, because we were not meaning the words of the prayers. We were to let the Spirit pray for us instead.

I was able to do so, praise the Lord! I felt as if it was not me anymore praying and the words were beyond their very nature. It is not that I did not mean the words but that I was past their meaning and their created purpose. I felt as if I was distant from them and I was blocked by a mist before me. This refers to the conscious me. Could this be a step closer to receiving the gift of tongues from the Spirit? Is that how people who pray in that way feel as they do so?

Easter Sunday

- A time of beauty-filled rest but a different Easter experience; a sense of hidden joy in the air waiting to burst out.
- Solemnity and grandeur were present, befitting the occasion. The mass seemed like a high mass. Paradoxically, it was a simple tuning of the voice that made this happen.
- A time of familiar intimacy.
- Simple words of the Easter message: Jesus is ALIVE but presented in a well-loved song - He Is Lord.
- Our Father sung in Latin - a new thing for me but added a regal sense to the occasion.