An apathetic world

I was walking past a bakery with glass walls and saw a small girl waving at the passers-by. Unfortunately, no one noticed this poor child who was trying to get their attention. By the time I wanted to wave back at her, she had lost her patience and had gone back to her seat.

This little incident showed me how the world is so busy with its own activity that it fails to notice the needs of others. Jesus came as a baby 2000 years back but if He were to come now, I am not so sure if He can catch our notice, what more obtain our love. The world was simpler and more tranquil back then.

Close to death

I just learnt that the sense of hearing is the last one that will go from a dying person. This is a poignant fact to me.

When my late mum was in a coma during her last days, I still sang hymns to her by the bedside and shared with her my happy memories of her throughout our life together. Her friend saw her hand twitch as I spoke. A doctor said it was merely reflex action but now that I have learnt the above fact, it affirms what her friend saw. My mum could hear me singing and sharing.

This is such an overwhelmingly joyful moment for me :)

Musings from Mother Teresa's No Greater Love

Prayer
"Prayer is in all things, in all gestures" but this does not apply to sins committed. When there is the intention to pray; to please God, the action becomes a prayer. In what way does sin fulfill this?

Lord, help me to always be aware of my own sins before I judge others.

When we pray for those who need prayers, God answers by filling us with Himself so that He can give Himself to those people through us.

When we fail to stick to a prayer schedule or resolution, we cannot let the failure consume us. Instead, we need to get back to it, to begin anew, and not to look back at what we did not do.

Lord, forgive me for not praying all the time. How can I be the one to pray for others who do not pray then? Yet Lord, you deem me worthy to be used by you, I who am such an undeserving and weak soul!

Prayer is not made up of words but of the sincere desire to lift people to God. In praying for them, we are loving them.

Repentance from having sinned is a form of prayer.

It is during adoration of the Blessed Sacrament that I see myself as merely a soul before its God.

When we are humbled and love, we identify with God.

What we say to others and about others are important because God is really speaking through us. Condescension can result. An awareness of my own judgements is essential before I judge others for judging.

In silence we will hear His special message to us. It creates such beauty within us when we recollect it.

"We need to give Christ a chance to make use of us. Today He loves the world so much that He gives you and me to be His love, His compassion and His presence."

"We must have a clean heart to be able to see."

"We shall not waste our time in looking for extraordinary experiences... but live by pure faith, ever watchful and ready for His coming."

Thank you Lord, for listening to my heart and giving me the things it desires, even if they are indulgences. Thank you Lord, for giving me the grace to turn to you in prayer for every need .

"If we don't pray, our presence will have no power, our words will have no power." The Holy Spirit will then lead us in our counsel and use us to radiate peace to others.

"The greatest mistake is to think you are too strong to fall into temptation." This can be put in another way. When you attempt to resist temptation with your human self and not with God's grace, you will fall into temptation. Lord, reawaken in me a sense of conscience!

Humility enables us to be aware that everything we are and have come from God, developing a sense of gratitude, that we have limitations as humans, cultivating a sense of acceptance, and that we need to be patient with our neighbour, since he/she is human too.

Sincerity is essential in prayer. Hence, conversation with God from the heart is my personal style of prayer :)

We, as Christ's disciples, need to correct sin and dispel the darkness around with His light of firm gentleness.

Lord, allow me to have complete faith in my prayers to you, and not base it on prior proof.

"Pray for the light to know the will of God, the love to accept the will of God and the way to do the will of God." This is such a beautiful prayer!

Love
"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary."

Be faithful to your spouse. Spout "words of kindness" to others. Sometimes, remaining silent and not confronting is a way of loving.

"He comes and uses (me) to be His love and compassion in the world in spite of (my) weaknesses and frailties." As long as I stay open to His promptings that people need help, I can be His instrument to them.

Lord, when you were angry with me for my ingratitude, I turned to your love that "(does) not forget (me) and (has) carved (me) on the palm of (your) hand."

Thank you Lord, for this grace of focusing on the good things in life, of contentment.

Lord, help me rise above my pride and self-consciousness to love.

Thank you Lord, for granting me the chance to know what true love is.

Thank you Lord, for showing me Your marvellous hand at work so that I can testify about You to those who need hope.

Thank you Lord, for having chosen me to love, to "strengthen what is weak".

"Where there is love, there always is an openness to serve."

No prayer is too small for God.

Lord, let me not be petty-minded when I do not get reciprocation or even gratitude for my love. Lord, forgive me. I still have so much more to go on this. Give me intense love that does not measure but just gives.

Thank you Lord, for allowing me to glorify You with Your gifts to me.

Lord, why should I be disturbed by opinions of externalities as long as decency is the overall intention? Yet I am. I am not humble enough. Give me more of it.

Lord, you will provide for me. Allow me to trust in this fact.

Thank you Lord, for giving me faith that looks past self-interest to fully appreciate the gift of Your creation to us. Thank you Lord, for giving me a loving touch towards those with illness.

"Faith in action through prayer."

Thank you Lord, for your gift of joy to me, and through it, strength within me. Thank you Lord, for giving me the love that enabled me to let go.

"We may not be able to give much but we can always give the joy." We meet that hunger (for God's love) by spreading joy."

"But for His sustaining presence, all things would cease to be and fall back into nothingness." Lord, thank you for Your merciful power over us!

Lord, we are like embryos within your protective sac :)

A gentle admonishment from my Master

I had just finished a blog entry on my pet peeves. I did try to justify the observations I had made but I guess the reasons did not seep into my soul enough for me to let the observations go.

Then Padre Pio's words spoke to me again.
September 14:
You will never complain about offences, no matter where they come from, remembering that Jesus was saturated with ignominy from the malice of men He Himself had aided.
You will excuse everyone with Christian charity, keeping before your eyes the example of the divine Master who excused even his crucifiers before the Father.

How ashamed I feel!

God's love letter to me, in words and gifts

There is no such thing as coincidence when it comes to God. What may seem as one to others is a miracle by God's hand to me.

I was put in charge of the food for a church event and that being my first major responsibility on such a scale, I was really anxious about it as the days drew nearer. The endless questions those around me had to answer were evidence. At the end of my allotted slot on the day itself, I gave in to my fluster and panic. I was due to attend the event proper but the food was still unfinished. I had to pack it but my attendance would be affected. God gave me more than an advisor for this problem. He gave me His very own angel. She offered to stay back to look after and pack the food for me, even though she was really there to attend the event too. I felt so bad of depriving her of that chance that I kept thanking her. Others may say it was her own choice that allowed me to go for the event but I say that it was God's Spirit prompting her to make that choice, knowing I needed it.

Then Padre Pio's words from my daily spiritual reading confirmed this. People around me had told me not to worry about my task and that everything will just fall into place for it to be smooth, but how often do we listen to other humans? The best thing is that I did not verbally pray for things to be smooth on that day, but it was really an unspoken desire within me. God heard it and saw my heart. Then he met that need.
September 10(a day after the event):
Be cheerful. Jesus will take care of everything. Let us trust in Jesus and our heavenly Mother, and everything will work out well.

God affirmed me further through my leader's twice given compliment. He said it to me personally and again, in front of our whole group. However, I know that I don't deserve it, since I had guidance. :) Still, I know that God was trying to boost my self-esteem and confidence through it :) I felt my leader also affirmed me for being wise enough to update and consult him when I was in doubt :)

Ascension Mass

I mentioned how music can be singing in a previous entry. I have a particular source for this but God showed me that He can use other people for the same purpose. My conductor was playing a particular version of the Hail Mary in song. It is my favourite version. When he played it, I felt as if my soul was singing along. One of the rare moments of true singing was it.

When we sang the Communion hymn All Heaven Declares, I felt as if I was God's angel singing praise to Him and proclaiming His resurrection. It made the song more godly to me. This was reinforced especially when I had to sing the seconds at the chorus.

Suffering increases love

I thank God for turning a bad thing into good. I sustained throat pain while singing for mass. However, I knew that I could not compromise on my singing despite that fact. I know He has given me my voice. God refined my desire, from self-pride to glorification of Him.

At that moment, I wanted to sing more than my best for love of Him, to make up for my throat problem. I guess it coincided with the hymn we were singing: Love Is His Word. I thank Him for deeming fit to reward my desire with the smooth ability to reach the high note and the courage to want to sing it for Him despite the note not being in my vocal range.

I also give Him praise for giving me the faith to believe that His Body would heal my throat pain. He indeed reinforced it by doing it. My throat was 99% back to normal immediately after receiving Communion. Now it is fully restored. Praise the Lord in thanks for His undeserving mercy towards me. I take my voice for granted but He never fails to love me by granting me the vocal ability to glorify Him. Lord, help me to fully treasure this voice you have given me.

That secret place

I had a dilemma between going for a talk and staying home to be with myself. The talk promised blessings, miracles, wonders from the Lord and an outpouring of the Holy Spirit. However, I felt rather that my soul yearned for silence, quiet refreshment and comfort from the Lord. With that, I thought of a precious CD I had bought. It is called Hillsong Instrumental Series, the secret place.

I played it and though I love singing to the Lord, somehow I wanted to listen to the tracks. Perhaps this is what is meant by your heart singing. I don't mean the happiness that comes with hearing a piece of good news but a silent tongue that belies a soul 'singing' with the music to the Maker. I am listening to it as I type this entry. It is as if the instruments are 'singing' for me as they play the tunes.

The music led me into a state of silence and prayer, where I just wanted to be with the Lord of silence. I have mentioned the word "silence" in its different forms thrice. I guess my mum was perceptive in noting that I am sensitive to silence. I can 'hear' the silence present in a church, not the silence that comes from absence of noise, but the silence that is a result of the presence of the Lord.

It led me to reflect on my discernment of the Lord's calling for me. It is not His will for me to be a religious, a state which I once associated with silence and refuge; a sanctuary from the negative forces of the world. However, a realization from the Lord came. I am then to find silences, to create silences in the world He has called me to remain in. For now, I have finally experienced my first time of finding His silence; that secret place in which the Father is as mentioned in Matthew 6:6. I hope to find more of these secret places of silence in this world.

I have had the privilege of already being privy to these places, through my last silent retreat where I was surrounded by nature. Nature is God's gift to me, an environment which renders His voice more perceptible and louder to me. I feel just like William Wordsworth who expounded his revelry of nature in his poems. Another special place is being with my bestie, conversing together about life's lessons and praying together to our Lord. Each time I have with him is rarity itself though.

Now I feel my soul is at rest; at peace, as I beheld the Lord in that secret place through His music of gentle quietness. Meeting with Him for even one moment like that heals and refreshes my soul. I have experienced that sanctuary; refuge from the negative forces of the world through the music. Praise Him for revealing His gentle wash of love to me in the world I am and for showing me how He transcends my limited perceptions of Him.

Osama's demise

His death has not caused gratitude as expected, but cynicism. I reckon it is because of a previous rumour which proved untrue. It struck me that God must be sad at our reaction towards His gift. This is a precious gift indeed.

It somehow leads me to think that the evil we are surrounded by has entered our souls such that we are unable to take His gift at face value. The evil I refer to is an insidious one where we insert complications into what we face, through our doubting perspectives. Doubt hinders our souls from the freedom to recognise God's hand in the events around us. Our faith has taken a setback as a result.

I acknowledge the possibility of more terrorism fears surfacing as a reaction to this piece of news. The only way for me to deal with them is to turn to God's Divine Mercy to protect the world from terrorists.

My Easter Triduum 2011

This year's was a markedly different one. I was excited for a non-Catholic friend who had wanted to see what Maundy Thursday mass is like. Though I had to inform her of certain rules pertaining to my Church, she took all of it in stride. Bless her! We had our usual choir reflection and the theme was on Temptations. I learnt some new perspectives on this topic and added my two cents' worth as well. I went on to spend some time with our Lord in His agony. The garden evoked certain poignant thoughts within me as I beheld its dissimilar portrayal. A huge ciborium was used to house our Lord and somehow that made Him seem in repose. I was not just brought back to the historical setting of Gethsamane but to the subsequent events too. It was as if Good Friday came early for me. I had a question for Him: What can I do to alleviate your agony? I felt so helpless at that moment. Then I sang to Him a song we sing at the Christmas pageant to Him: What can I give you, poor as I am?/If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb/If I were a wise man, I would do my part/But what can I give you?/I will give my heart/I will give my heart.

On Good Friday, the service was strenuous for my legs but I gladly did it for our Lord. How much more did He suffer for me! We had to kneel and stand for the General Intercessions but of course, I sat and stood. To others who may not fully understand my condition, it may seem easier for me. However, it was harder for me, not just due to my condition but also to the action of interchanging both gestures which was a strain on my joints. We sang God So Loved The World by Bob Chilcott and this time, I sang it with a small smile on my face, which symbolised my gratitude for His love. We sang for the outdoor Stations of the Cross too. The passion of our Lord was reenacted by the youths and Father Bosco himself. It was made more real for me as a result. Though I knew that it was merely acting, I was undeniably affected by it. As we sang God So Loved The World again, my eyes were understandably teary. Seeing it right before my eyes made a vast difference for me. As we followed the procession amidst the Stations reflection, my legs were again being strained but I did so for my Lord. My Altos were sweet enough to think of my welfare and I treasure those loving thoughts. However, at that point, I felt that my Lord was the focus and I was insignificant. Despite the subsequent instability of my leg condition, I feel the sufferings were worth it. After all, it was for the One who loves us more than any human can.

Holy Saturday had a thrill of anticipation for me as I awaited His Resurrection. With it came freedom and celebration of the joy brought forth. When it was the start of the Easter Vigil, Easter had come for me :) There was no more want, thirst and deprivation, but fulfillment, satiation and indulgence.

Excerpts from the sermon at the royal couple's wedding

"In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding with the bride and the groom as king and queen of creation, making a new life together so that life can flow through them into the future.

A spiritual life grows as love finds its centre beyond ourselves. Faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this; the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed.

We shall not be converted to the promise of the future by more knowledge, but rather by an increase of loving wisdom and reverence, for life, for the earth and for one another.

There must be no coercion if the Spirit is to flow.

As the reality of God has faded from so many lives, there has been a corresponding inflation of expectations that personal relations alone will supply meaning and happiness in life. We are all incomplete: we all need the love which is secure."

(The first and last paragraphs are close to my heart. The former reaffirms the importance of chastity before marriage while the latter reinforces the ultimate nature of God's love.)

A much needed prayer

Lord, grant me more patience and understanding towards the crux of the situation. Allow me to let healing happen in its own way and time. Help me not to force my perspective of things. Forgive me for so many a time teaching You how to answer prayers in my prayers to You.

Lord, may Your strength, peace and joy wholly fill the heart as mine has been. May the heart be open to Your fullness. May Your place in its life be firmer so that Your love is there to comfort, to soothe and to ease the grief.

Lord, take control of me to give Your love to the broken heart, Your peace to the troubled soul, Your strength to the struggling heart. May You use me as an uplifter to the downtrodden, a helper to the needy and a supporter to the weak.

I ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Psalms 81 and 82

(These words are the modern version of the psalms, with their meaning intact. They are taken from Psalms/ Now by Leslie F. Brandt.)

Our great God has heard our cry and He is speaking to His church today.
I hear Him saying many things.
He reminds us that He is God in our world, the God who piloted His people through history, who regards His church with love and concern.
He would have us remember how He freed us from sin's burden and guilt, how He responded to our pleas for deliverance, and was present with us in the trials and conflicts of our lives.
He brings to our remembrance the many times we neglected to listen to Him and how He had to allow us to hurt ourselves because we stubbornly chose our own course.
He reiterates His promise to meet our needs and to enrich our lives as we rely on Him for grace and strength.
He diagnoses our sickness even today and points us to His purpose for our existence.

We have become complacent in our structures and institutions.
We have been subtly diverted from His will and purposes in our world.
We have selfishly interpreted His Word to fit our schemes and carry out our intents.
We have clutched at God to pacify and sustain us even while we remain insensitive to the suffering world about us.

Now God is speaking again, in judgement as well as with promise.
He is reaching out to restore us to Himself and to renew our vision for His world.
"How long will you ignore My oppressed and dispossessed children, their cries for liberty and justice?" our God is saying to the church.
"Why are there people going hungry about you while you abound in gifts from My hand?
You are My sons and servants, My representatives in a fractured world.
I can reach those sick, needy, loveless and lonely creatures only through you.
This is the reason I have given you so much, that you may share it with them."

Help us, O God, to return to Your purposes for Your church, to recognise all men as Your subjects, that the world belongs to You.
May your great love flood our lives, only to overflow and touch with healing, and to channel Your grace to the lives of every one of Your children.

You are in our world, O God.
May we serve You here by ministering to the needs of our fellowmen.

Church dressing

This should seemingly be under my fashion sub-blog but it has to do with the respect churchgoers accord to God via their dressing.

Church authorities are not being the fashion police, as this is not a matter of judging attire based on current trends or physical function. It is to do with basic decorum in the house of God. Decorum has to do with dressing as well as behaviour. Indeed, we are in church to "revere the Eucharist" and I condone turning away those who have no intention to do so via their dressing when they go up for Communion. Wearing a "flesh-coloured spaghetti-strap top" has broken two rules of modesty. The colour can mislead people into thinking she is topless and the straps are revealing. What is wrong with changing its colour and wearing a cardi over it?! She has nothing to find fault about.

It is ironic how people dress their best only on special occasions like Christmas, Easter and Confirmation. Even then, it is the occasion itself that causes this more formal dressing and not the respect for God. Moreover, they may dress formally but still unchastely. I am aware that sometimes people are not motivated to spend time in dressing up for mass but the key word here is more "modestly". How much time is needed to wear a T-shirt and a pair of jeans? They may argue that it takes less time to wear a tank top and a pair of shorts, but like I implied earlier, the needs for modesty and respect towards God reign.

In fact, in the earlier decades, it was a rule for churchgoers to wear their Sunday best. This would mean suits for men and boys, and dresses for women and girls. To this day, I am proud to note that the blacks still adhere to this. I saw a family wearing like this while I was in Westminster Cathedral. On a worldly note, I would love to dress up in attire of the 1950s, where full dresses were the rage. Of course, I would not forget to insert modesty in my choice of dressing by wearing cardis over my sleeveless dresses. The Regency era of dressing is also another personal choice. The dresses are actually more modest with sleeves included and the length up to the ankles.

I like the explanation of OLPS's parish priest towards this issue. He said it is the impression we as Catholics give to others. It is in dressing, word and deed. This is the most potent reason, I feel. Tube tops/off-shoulder tops with hot shorts is a definite no-no. How audacious and nonchalant! Indeed, it is the younger group that needs this rule; tweens to even adults. The church is certainly not a catwalk!

Some people may argue that God's love is not dependent on outer appearances but we need to show our love for Him too. A relationship is two-way and dressing modestly is a way of showing it.