The greatest sin is also the greatest victory

There is so much to learn each time I fall back into my greatest sin: how cunning the devil can be in trapping me in the sin, how stronger I am with God's mercy, what triggers cause me to go past the boundaries and how God turns this failure into a more motivated desire to come back to Him. 'Where I am at my weakest His power is at His strongest.'

This latest fall showed me how the evil one uses my liking for celebrities to open the door to my sin and how He tries to go further in causing me to doubt the power of God Himself. Unfortunately, that moment of doubt was but a flash. I still believe in the power of the Eucharist. Woops, too bad! Haha! At the same time, I had an inner strength after having committed the sin, a strength that came with acceptance of the truth of my weakness, which can only be from the Holy Spirit. I accept that this sin will be a struggle in my life, but I promise God that I will climb back up each time I fall. The devil may try to deviate me from staying on the path to God, but these deviations will be temporary. He cannot permanently cause me to leave the path to my true home, for I will forever be a child of God Yahweh, Daddy-o. I want to go to Heaven to be with Him, my Creator, my Source of being.

There were warning signs as I became more trapped in my sin, but my Father loves me so much that He allowed me to make my own choice. His soft promptings were not imposing and autocratic on my decision-making. The doubt put in me by the devil and the titles I came across were the signs. Not only did I allow myself to badly undermine the special dignity of my own gender and the holiness of the image of God(whether I want to admit it or not), but I also allowed myself to be distorted in my understanding of the traditional interaction between societal roles we humans are called to.

Now that I have accepted my struggle and developed inner strength to keep conquering it, my next step is to be humble and courageous enough to confess it. Holy Spirit, please help me.

Actually, in the course of my reflection and repentance, I wondered if there was something wrong with me that caused me to keep falling back into this sin. At the same time, I explored the possibility of being spiritually attacked by the devil. I had been doing God's work before my fall, and it is not the first time this realization has occurred to me. I have been answering my friend's questions on the Eucharist, sharing the St Michael's prayer with my friends, and posting articles on the dangers of pornography and LGBT. I had a thought of going into consecrated life as a result of the ongoing LGBT issue too. This possibility was affirmed by my spiritual mentor too.

I do feel honoured frankly, that the devil feels threatened by me as God's instrument to keep tempting me into this sin. I will then 'not be moved, as He is my stronghold and my Saviour.' I know that I 'shall not drown if I pass through raging waters in the sea, and God is with me through it all if I stand before the power of hell and death is at my side.' I may have 'raging' passions but I know they will be calmed and tempered, for the pleasure of this sin cannot fully satiate my soul, which is made for my true Love and will return to this true Love. I am aware that the devil will try to lure me into eternal self-condemnation and despair when he confronts me with this sin at the end of my life, but I know that God will be by my side and I will confront him with the good I have done for my God. This will shut Him up. I don't want to be like Judas.